Learning from Judas

In the chapel where I currently live, we have a large tapestry that sits at the back behind the altar.  I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with it now, partly because it's dark and dingy a lot of the time thanks to the candles, but it has in the past given me some good things to think about.
It's a beautiful depiction of the last supper, with Jesus in the centre and his disciples around him. In the back corner, however, is Judas, who stands out a little as being the only character in the tapestry without a halo, but what struck me the first time I saw it was the look of longing in his eyes.  Recently, I was looking through some of my old prayer journals, and came across this reflection, which I thought I'd share.

To me it seems to be a look of longing and sadness.  It's as though he's turned away and can't turn back.  He wants to be a part of Jesus' inner circle again, but he doesn't know how. He has hardened his heart and can't bring himself to unburden it again.  He had to play his part for Jesus' great sacrifice to happen, but he couldn't come back afterwards.  He is lost and lonely.
What brought him to that dark place?
Was he ignored too often by the other apostles?  They were all men, all just human.
Or did he close himself off?  Did he refuse to see when the hand of friendship was extended to him?  Did he rebuff inclusion, preferring to go his own way?
He is stood in the corner, looking longingly at the others in the scene.  Wanting desperately to be accepted, even as he clutches a bag full of his 30 pieces of silver.  His betrayers pay.
But is he there because others pushed him there, or because he pushed himself there?

It's so easy to see Judas as being the bad guy, the betrayer, the one who handed Jesus over for death.  But how often do we think about how he ended up there?

Here's some food for thought...
Judas' big mistake was not betraying Jesus.  His mistake was not turning back to Jesus once he realised the mistake he'd made, and that is something that is all too easy to relate to.

Living in a Man's World?

This phrase, found whilst trying to come up with a suitable quick post for facebook has really stuck with me today.  It's so simple, and yet there is such truth in it.
It's one of those phrases that you look and and go "Well, obviously".  Then you look at it again and have a moment of "Oh!"

The world today spends so much time telling us that, as women, to be valuable we need to be the same as men.  Equality has become the keyword, with equality meaning "the same as."  Any organisation who doesn't treat women exactly the same as men must, obviously, be part of the patriarchy and therefore evil.

On the other side, feminism seems to have become a dirty word.  It seems to mean women who are trying to be exactly the same as men. Women who fight too hard, women who aren't prepared to "know their place," women who are too outspoken.

In a world like this, what's a girl to do?

Me?  I look to the Catholic Church (as you may have been able to guess...)

Now I know that to many people, the Church is a symbol and symptom of the oppressive patriarchy. After all, it won't let women become priests, which obviously must mean that it doesn't value women... right?

Wrong.

So very very wrong.

Whilst I'll happily admit there are many things wrong with the administrative side of the Catholic Church, and women currently are not represented well enough, I don't think it's really any worse than many other organisations.  A lot of the problem comes not from the fact that they are women, but that they are laity.

There are plenty of high powered women in the Vatican - the archaeologist in me was delighted to hear about the appointment of Barbara Jatta as director of the Vatican Museums (and yes, Barbara is a female name). This puts them in a minority amongst major museums where the vast majority have male directors. The Pontifical Council for Culture and Voices of Faith are just a couple of examples of things that the Vatican is doing to ensure women's voices are heard more.

This isn't a new thing either.  Throughout the history of the church, there have been important women.  Most of the ones we know about now are because they've been declared saints, but there will be many more who have been forgotten about. It is worth saying at this point that this also applies to men.  Very few of those who have been declared saints have been lay people, although this seems to be changing more in recent years.

Another good place to look to see what the Church actually thinks of women is the veneration it gives to Mama Mary.

In the Catholic Church, we honour Mary because God honoured her first.  Whilst there is no doubt that women have perhaps not been treated as they should have been during history, this wonderful lady has always been held in extremely high regard.  Quite honestly, what higher honour can womankind be given than that one of their own was chosen to give birth to the redeemer of all mankind?  I love the quote above from Redemptoris Mater, because to me it shows the true regard that the Church holds women in.  What more do I need to say?

There are numerous examples of quotes from throughout the history of the church showing the high esteem women are held in. One of my favourites is from the Venerable Fulton J Sheen:

Whilst obviously a woman's value does not come from how inspiring she can be to men, we also need to remember that this is a part, and an important part, of the feminine beauty.  Throughout the Bible we see instance after instance of women inspiring men to better and greater things (Esther, Ruth, Mary to name just a few).  There are also, of course, plenty of examples of women doing the opposite: Delilah betrays Samson; Salome requests the head of John the Baptist; Eve encourages Adam to try the apple.

My message to all my female friends, no matter your age, race or religion is this.  I want you to remember that you have dignity and value because you are you. Not because of whatever successes you may have had, or because of your abilities.  Not because of the way you look or dress or act. Because you are you.

Don't try and be a man in a man's world. Be a woman, and try and make the world better by being you.  You are all that's needed.

You have been called "for a time such as this" (Esther 4:14)

More than Conquers?

Apologies for the hiatus, turns out getting and starting new jobs can be quite time consuming.  The final post about World Youth Day is on its way, but in the mean time, this is something else I got up to over the summer... This post was originally written for the Westminster Youth Ministry blog.  Go check them out, there's some fantastic stuff on there!

Since I ended this post with an encouragement to attend Youth2000’s Walsingham retreat, I thought I’d better write up a post about it.  This retreat is always a highlight of my year, and this one was no different.  The theme this year was Conquerors.

After arriving and getting all the usual bits and pieces out of the way – trying to find a vaguely flat bit of ground to set up the tent, realising I’d forgotten a rollmat so was going to have to sleep flat on the ground – rookie mistake for my 4^th time attending, registering, saying hello to old friends… we hit the ground running with Mass.  The homily given by Fr Christopher Joseph CFR really set the tone for the rest of the retreat.

To help you understand the importance of his homily, I have to explain something that some of you may find slightly shocking… Walsingham has very little signal.  If you’re lucky you might find a couple of spots where you can send a text or make a quick call, but internet?  Pretty much nowhere to be found.  I know! 5 days with no social media…

Okay, so you have the picture?  No facebook, no whatsapp, no Instagram, no twitter, no snapchat… but you know what?  It’s actually incredibly freeing.  Without being able to check my phone every 5 minutes to see if people far away were trying to contact me, I found myself being far more present to those who physically surrounded me.  And this is the point that was being made by Fr Christopher.  Our love for social media comes from our desire to be connected to everyone, but the real way that this can happen is not through faceappstagram, but through Jesus.  The Social Network of Christ is his body.  It’s us.  Linking back to the theme of the retreat, he challenged us to make sure we were conquering social media, and not the other way around.  Social media can be a fantastic way to evangelise, but we need to make sure we are not being controlled by it.

So, how to spend 5 days with no phone? Well, one of the great beauties of Youth2000 is that there’s always plenty to do – I was so busy attending talks and workshops, hanging out with old friends and making new ones that I didn’t even manage to find time for a nap this year!

Something that I really really love about Youth 2000 is how it's completely centred around the Blessed Sacrament - around Jesus.  From the end of the opening Mass to just before closing Mass, there is perpetual adoration.  Jesus is out, physically present for the whole weekend.  The talks are given with Him in the room, the praise and worship takes place around Him.  If you wake up at, say, 3am, you can go and sit with Him.  I didn’t manage to take advantage of this enough this year, but knowing that he was so physically close all the time was a great blessing.

If you missed out, it’s okay.  Fr Stephen Wang reminded us that nothing we receive on retreats like this is any different to anything we receive back home.  The point is to gain a greater appreciation for what we have when we go back home.  Whilst you may not be surrounded by priest, making it easy to find one for confession, they’re still there in your home parish.  All you have to do is ask (or turn up at the preadvertised times).  The Eucharist you receive in Mass in Walsingham, or in a field in Poland is the same as the one you receive at home. It’s the same Jesus present in the Blessed Sacrament, whether you’re adoring him in a circus tent in Walsingham, in Westminster Cathedral, or in your local church.  The rosary is the same great weapon of prayer no matter where you say it.

In a later homily, Fr Stephen challenged those present to love your church, be proud of your faith and be prepared to stand up for them both, as well as to “Love the Catholic faith not only for what it has meant for us, but also for what it can mean for others.”

So use your social network following to evangelise.  If you love Jesus, let people know. If you go to a fantastic talk, share it.  We’re all very good at letting our friends on facebook know when we’ve had a delicious meal at a new restaurant, so why not share when we hear a fantastic homily during Mass?  You’d announce it if you were going to a music festival, so why not let everyone know that you’ll be in Sheffield from the 28^th – 30^th October for the next Youth2000 retreat

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go.  I’ve just had another friend request pop up on facebook from someone I met in Walsingham…

Kracking on to Krakow (World Youth Day Part IV)

After arriving in Krakow on Monday evening and trying pierogi for the first time (delicious - who knew?  Well... other than all Polish people), it was time to settle in for World Youth Day proper.

Tuesday
The first big event, held on the Tuesday evening, was the Opening Mass.  We had a beautiful morning, but then a bit of a disaster getting there.  We had someone in our group who had difficulty walking, so got public transport as close as possible.  Turned out this was still a good half an hour away... To make matters worse, on the way it started pouring with rain, so out came our fetching ponchos thoughtfully provided in the pilgrim packs.

The ever so delightful ponchos... Photo WYM

When we arrived at Błonia Park we discovered we were on the complete opposite side to where we should be.   Not so helpful... So we asked around and were directed back to a different entrance where someone might be able to help, and help they did!  We ended up being taken through the park by a couple of girl scouts, and led to the right zone, where we were able to meet up with the rest of our party as we waited for Mass to begin in the pouring rain.

Then something miraculous happened.  As Mass began, the rain stopped.  It went from torrential rain to bright blue skies!  Oh, and Mass was in Latin. FYI, Latin Novus Ordo is my favourite, particularly when combined with music as beautiful as we were treated to in Błonia Park.  I think God must agree with me, because during Mass we ended up with a heaven meeting earth moment!

A trapdoor to heaven? Photo mine

Getting home afterwards was less than fun, but you don't need the details. To summarise, we had some absolutely amazing people on our pilgrimage, including a talented Polish speaker, not enough places accepted the meal vouchers, and myself and a good friend ended up getting a meal from the traditional Polish restaurant of Burger King where we were served by a lovely gentleman who was delighted to be able to use the English he'd learnt while living in the UK for a few years.  Also turns out taxis are super cheap in Poland, just like everything else.

Wednesday
Wednesday morning saw us heading to the JPII basilica and the Divine Mercy Sanctuary for the pilgrimage of mercy. The JPII basilica contained two relics of Pope Saint John Paul II (is it Pope Saint or Saint Pope? - I can never remember!).  A vial of his blood, and the cassock he was wearing during his attempted assassination in 1981.  Having passed through and asked for his intercessions, we headed outside into the glorious sunshine.  I say glorious, too hot may have been more accurate... We followed behind the trail of pilgrims making their way along the way of mercy to the Divine Mercy Sanctuary.  The walk itself wasn't particularly long, but as a few of us said the Divine Mercy Chaplet along the way, and I did it barefoot, it was very moving.  At the end of the walk was the opportunity to walk through the Holy Door. Never have I been so glad to have been to confession recently.

The Divine Mercy Sanctuary and Holy Door. Photo WYM

We spent a beautiful afternoon sitting in the main square of Krakow, confusing the waitress by asking for tap water, eating more pierogi, obvs and people watching.  The joy and love all around was absolutely incredible!

The main square in Krakow. Photo WYM

We headed back up to our accommodation in time to have a short nap before going to the church of Jesus, The Good Shepherd where we celebrated Mass with the Cardinal. It was again a lovely Mass, and particularly special as the chasuble worn by the Cardinal had been worn by Cardinal Wojtyła (who you may know better as Pope John Paul II...) for the consecration of the Mass. Coming only a day after the tragic martyrdom of Fr Jacques Hamel, he devoted a large part of his homily to reflecting on this sad event and St Paul's words, where he encourages us to have a greater understanding of the depths of the mystery of Christ. Full transcript can be found here.  Well worth a read! I think our attempt to sing Abba Ojcze may haunt me for a while though...

The Cardinal being welcomed by locals of the Parish. Photo WYM

Thursday
Having missed it the day before due being up at the Divine Mercy Sanctuary, it was nice to be able to head to our catechises session where we were treated to a talk from Tonga's first cardinal Cardinal, Soane Patita Paini Mafi.  Coming two days after the martyrdom of Fr Jacques Hamel, the mention of the fact that the blood of the martyrs is the seeds of our faith, and this is what makes our faith bloom was very touching and what many gathered there needed to hear. This was particularly so when he followed this with a reminder that there are many types of martyrs, not just from the blood we shed.

Did I forget to mention? Catechises was held in a circus tent... Photo WYM

Far more exciting though, was the fact that Thursday was the day Papa Frankie was coming.  Hooray! As our catechises session was held fairly near Błonia Park, we decided not to venture too far away, so we found lunch nearby and then sat in a little café just outside, and then slowly meandered towards our section.  The pope was still a long way away, so there was no rush.  As the weather took a turn for the worse again, once more out came the beautiful ponchos.  While we were waiting I decided to make a quick trip to the loo (not the most pleasant experience as they were longdrop portaloos...) sure that I'd make it back before the Pope drove past.  I came back aaaaand had just missed him.  Missed him by seconds!  On the other hand, I was so far back, and not being the tallest would probably not have seen him anyway, so I don't feel like I missed too much.

This wasn't a day when the weather cleared up, but that's okay, because the pope was there!

#grumpypope? Photo mine.

His address can be found in full here, but the point that struck me enough to make a note on my phone was this: He sees our frantic running about like Martha, and waits for us to sit and listen like Mary.

I know that this is something I am often guilty of. My life can be so busy that I don't have (or make) time to just sit and be with the Lord. It's amazing how easily even seemingly free time can be taken up with netflix or facebook or blogs... So one thing I'm attempting to do (although not so successfully so far) is take more time to just be. But you know what, as I heard somewhere else (although I don't seem to have written down where, so if anyone remembers who said it/where it was said, please let me know!) the important thing is not to not fall down, but to get back up again once we have fallen down.

But now this post is plenty long enough, so if you've made it to the end well done!  Coming up next, the prayer vigil and final Mass!

Are coach engines the new horses? (World Youth Day Part III)

My previous blog stopped off just as we were about to leave Łódź, so it's time to continue our journey.

We left Łódź bright and early on the Monday morning to head to Krakow, but en route we stopped off at the monastery of Jasna Góra in Częstochowa.

For anyone reading this who doesn't know, there is a beautiful icon here of our Lady of Częstochowa.  It's known as a Black Madonna (the phrasing of which itself has an interesting history - if you're curious, it's worth going and looking into it, but I'm not going to devote time to it here) which has long been a place of pilgrimage.

The (simplistic) version of the history of this icon is as follows.  It was supposedly painted by St. Luke, on a table made by the Jesus whilst learning the carpentry trade from Joseph, found by St. Helena, mother of Emperor Constantine, taken to Constantinople until the 8th century, after which it was taken to Poland, eventually ending up in Częstochowa. There are a few different versions of how it ended up here, but the most common one is that the horses pulling the wagon in which the icon was contained refused to move on, with the Prince who had it at that point taking this as a sign that this was where it should stay.

The marks on Our Lady's face are from Tatar invasions, where an arrow pierced her throat, and a Hussite invasion where one of the invaders slashed at the image with his sword twice (whilst attempting a third, he died in agony).  Through history there have been attempts to fix it, but it always reverts to the damaged form.

Beautiful, huh?

Shame it was so busy I didn't really get to see it... There were so many people there that it was impossible to get in.  It was closed for for a lot of the day due to Masses being said.  Were were told that it should be open for a couple of hours in the middle of day, so headed back, but Mass was being said again with lots of bishops around the icon, so you can't really complain...  I did manage to get a slight glimpse from up in the choir loft.  Turns out having a friend who can speak French and blag his way in is quite useful!  Guess this just means I will have to return at some point to see it properly.

Despite not being able to properly see the icon, it was still an amazing day.  We got there just in time for Mass which was said in a small side basilica.

Photo WYM

Yup, that's a small side basilica!  As part of the music group, we'd been hoping to get there nice and early, have plenty of time to set up and get settled and plug in the keyboard.  Did this happen...? Not exactly... We arrived within a couple of minutes of when we were due to begin Mass, found a spot to set up, got out the instruments, arranged ourselves around the microphones and looked for a plug for the keyboard.  While we were still looking the bell rang for the beginning of Mass!  No keyboard for us.  Despite all these issues, Mass still went beautifully.  Our music director did a fabulous job of staying calm and carrying on, and although I had a minor panic moment when I realised that I'd only practised the psalm with the keyboard and was now going to have to sing it with only guitars, it all went wonderfully smoothly.  (Yup, that's right, I sang the psalm during Mass in Jasna Góra - number 27 ticked off the 30 before 30 list even if it did only get added on after I got back...)

Photo WYM

After Mass we had a while to wonder around (which is when we attempted to view the icon).  What I did really enjoy was looking at all the fantastic Catholic tat.  A couple of my favourites below (I didn't even bother taking photos of the glow in the dark rosaries/Mary statues because they seem to be everywhere!):

Beautiful bling gold fridge magnet

What a cute little football player

Oh wait... it's an angel!

This was an incredibly hot day!  It was wonderful while we were walking around/sitting and eating.   Not so wonderful when one of the coaches overheated and didn't want to start again... I did half wonder whether this was the new version of the horses refusing to move and whether someone had taken the icon, but I assumed there'd be a much bigger outcry if that had been the case.  The resulting wait meant that we had to just sit and talk and sit in the sun/attempt to find some shade to sit in.  Such a hardship...

(And just to avoid leaving you in suspense, we did eventually manage to get going and headed onwards to Krakow!)

A Week in Łódź (this title works better if you pronounce it Woodge) (World Youth Day Part II)

One day I will get better at posting on here more regularly.  Today is not that day...
I've been slightly distracted by getting back into the swing of work, and then running off again to spend more time in a field with Jesus (Youth2000 retreat in Walsingham.  Another post will be coming on that later...)

So anyway... back to Poland.  We spent the first week in a lovely little city called Łódź, which has a fascinating history. St. Faustina grew up near Łódź and moved there when she was 16.  3 years later she saw a vision of a suffering Jesus, who instructed her to go to Warsaw to join a convent.  St Maximilian Kolbe was another nearby resident.  On the more secular side of history, Łódź had the largest and longest lasting Jewish ghetto in Nazi occupied Europe.

We were there to take part in Paradise in the City.  A festival organised by the Chemin Neuf community.  Whilst nothing compared to Krakow the following week, there were attendees from 79 countries, and over 5000 people.  For pilgrims who hadn't been to a world youth day before, it was a nice little opening to how hectic Krakow might be.

(photo from WYM facebook page)

The programme was pretty busy, ranging from talks and workshops to praise and worship concerts and adoration.  One thing I particularly enjoyed was how the length of adoration increased throughout the week, presumably as people became more accustomed to sitting in silence with the Lord. Talks were given by a wide variety of people ranging from the Archbishop of Canterbury to a Catholic sexologist. Although I didn't attend the former's talk, I've been assured it was excellent, whilst the latter gave a fascinating talk reminding us that the Church wants body, heart and soul to be in one accord, and that we need to remember to always see each other as people and not as things or labels or categories.

Despite the busyness there was still plenty of time for friendship and fun.  Some of the afternoons were for free time, with sports being available for those so inclined.  I am very definitely not a sports person, so instead with a couple of friends, we decided to head up to the ghetto, but on the two occasions we tried, we realised that we wouldn't have time to get up there and back in time for the next event!  So instead we did the obvious thing of going and finding a rather beautiful bar instead...

Given that it was a 20-30 minute walk away from where we were based, that still counts as exercise, right?

During this week we were blessed to have the opportunities such as have Mass in the cathedral in Łódź and a reconciliation service in front of the Blessed Sacrament in the beautiful Church of Our Lady of Victory:

(photo WYM)

Don't bother trying to find me in this group photo though, I managed to miss it whilst distracted elsewhere!

Continuing the theme of it being like a mini world youth day, the final event of the week was a huge Mass at a local sports arena.  What would a pilgrimage be without a short walk or two?  With this in mind, and as preparation for the much longer walk ahead of us in a week's time, we headed off for our hour long walk.

(photo WYM)

Having been to a few of these types of things, I'm fairly used to there being huge numbers of priests around now and then.  I was still taken by surprise at just how many priests were there saying Mass!

(photo WYM)

All those people standing  on the floor there?  Priests.  They go further back too, but I don't have a good photo to show just how far back.  We completely filled the huge arena though!

So that's a short summation of what we got up to in Łódź, coming up next, Częstochowa and Krakow!

So what now...? (World Youth Day Part I)

If you've been paying attention, you'll have spotted that one of the newly ticked off items on my 30 before 30 was World Youth Day.

If you're looking at this blog, I guess it's likely that you know what World Youth Day is, but in case anyone's glancing this way without that knowledge, the basic gist is this.  World youth day is a huge gathering of Catholic young people (which for the Church is 18-35), which has been held every 2-3 years since 1987. You get people attending from all over the world. Part of the draw of the whole thing is that the Pope goes and leads the final Mass. Now when I say this is a huge gathering, I really do mean it! At the final vigil/Mass with Papa Frankie, an estimated 1.5-2 million people attended. To put that into some kind of context, Glastonbury tends to have around 150,000 - 200,000 people.

Yep, that's right.

I'll just let that number of people sink in for a minute.

Given how well the media reports on the event, particularly in the UK, you'd be forgiven for not realising what a big deal it is. Being at home during the previous one, held in Rio in 2013, I found it really interesting how the media would report on some of the things Papa Frankie was up to, without actually mentioning the reason for him being there, and from what I can see, the same thing happened with Kraków.  One fantastic example of this was this article, reporting on the tragic martyrdom of Fr Jaques Hamel where the quote from the Bishop of Rouen was taken while he was at "a Catholic gathering in Poland". To be fair to the BBC though, they did also publish some video diaries from a few of our pilgrims.

Being surrounded by that number of young people who all have the same passion for God that you do can be incredibly intoxicating. Right around now, all over the world, young pilgrims will be feeling the WYD come down. This is the key moment for them. For a large number of those 2 million people, this will be a life changing experience. Some will have found their vocations - whether to religious life, the priesthood, or marriage. Others will still be searching, but will have discovered what their next step should be. There will have been some there who have been struggling with their faith, for whom this will have been a call back into the embrace of the church. Some pilgrims will have been to confession for the first time in years, some will have found a new devotion to a particular Saint or saints, and for some this may have been their first experience of the universal nature of the Church.  There will be others for whom this will not feel like a massively life-changing event, but simply another step on their faith journey.

No one can attend a World Youth Day and return unchanged. The important thing now is to keep hold of that change.  It is so easy to love your God, your faith and your Church when you're in that high place. Now is the time to bring that love and joy back and share it with the rest of the world.

As Papa Frankie said in his final homily, what Jesus desires is for us, like Zaccheus, to "Come down, for I must stay at your house today" (Luke 19:5). (If you've not read his homily, go do it. It's challenging and comforting in equal parts, as all good homilies should be! It can be found here.

In today's world, we have a terrible tendency to be Sunday Catholics. We compartmentalise. We say "God, I'm all yours.

...On a Sunday... During Mass."

And  then ignore Him the rest of the time. This is always the danger when it comes to events like World Yourh Day, that's these all consuming, super intense events will be just another Sunday, and we'll go back to our everyday life just as before. Zaccheus was forever changed by his encounter with Jesus, and so too must we be.

I'll write another post soon with more content on what we actually got up to at world youth day, but for now, I'd like to recommend a temporary fix for the WYD comedown... Youth2000 do fantastic retreats, and the big one is coming up - in Walsingham over the bank holiday weekend.

More details can be found at Youth2000's website