Learning from Judas

In the chapel where I currently live, we have a large tapestry that sits at the back behind the altar.  I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with it now, partly because it's dark and dingy a lot of the time thanks to the candles, but it has in the past given me some good things to think about.
It's a beautiful depiction of the last supper, with Jesus in the centre and his disciples around him. In the back corner, however, is Judas, who stands out a little as being the only character in the tapestry without a halo, but what struck me the first time I saw it was the look of longing in his eyes.  Recently, I was looking through some of my old prayer journals, and came across this reflection, which I thought I'd share.

To me it seems to be a look of longing and sadness.  It's as though he's turned away and can't turn back.  He wants to be a part of Jesus' inner circle again, but he doesn't know how. He has hardened his heart and can't bring himself to unburden it again.  He had to play his part for Jesus' great sacrifice to happen, but he couldn't come back afterwards.  He is lost and lonely.
What brought him to that dark place?
Was he ignored too often by the other apostles?  They were all men, all just human.
Or did he close himself off?  Did he refuse to see when the hand of friendship was extended to him?  Did he rebuff inclusion, preferring to go his own way?
He is stood in the corner, looking longingly at the others in the scene.  Wanting desperately to be accepted, even as he clutches a bag full of his 30 pieces of silver.  His betrayers pay.
But is he there because others pushed him there, or because he pushed himself there?

It's so easy to see Judas as being the bad guy, the betrayer, the one who handed Jesus over for death.  But how often do we think about how he ended up there?

Here's some food for thought...
Judas' big mistake was not betraying Jesus.  His mistake was not turning back to Jesus once he realised the mistake he'd made, and that is something that is all too easy to relate to.

Living in a Man's World?

This phrase, found whilst trying to come up with a suitable quick post for facebook has really stuck with me today.  It's so simple, and yet there is such truth in it.
It's one of those phrases that you look and and go "Well, obviously".  Then you look at it again and have a moment of "Oh!"

The world today spends so much time telling us that, as women, to be valuable we need to be the same as men.  Equality has become the keyword, with equality meaning "the same as."  Any organisation who doesn't treat women exactly the same as men must, obviously, be part of the patriarchy and therefore evil.

On the other side, feminism seems to have become a dirty word.  It seems to mean women who are trying to be exactly the same as men. Women who fight too hard, women who aren't prepared to "know their place," women who are too outspoken.

In a world like this, what's a girl to do?

Me?  I look to the Catholic Church (as you may have been able to guess...)

Now I know that to many people, the Church is a symbol and symptom of the oppressive patriarchy. After all, it won't let women become priests, which obviously must mean that it doesn't value women... right?

Wrong.

So very very wrong.

Whilst I'll happily admit there are many things wrong with the administrative side of the Catholic Church, and women currently are not represented well enough, I don't think it's really any worse than many other organisations.  A lot of the problem comes not from the fact that they are women, but that they are laity.

There are plenty of high powered women in the Vatican - the archaeologist in me was delighted to hear about the appointment of Barbara Jatta as director of the Vatican Museums (and yes, Barbara is a female name). This puts them in a minority amongst major museums where the vast majority have male directors. The Pontifical Council for Culture and Voices of Faith are just a couple of examples of things that the Vatican is doing to ensure women's voices are heard more.

This isn't a new thing either.  Throughout the history of the church, there have been important women.  Most of the ones we know about now are because they've been declared saints, but there will be many more who have been forgotten about. It is worth saying at this point that this also applies to men.  Very few of those who have been declared saints have been lay people, although this seems to be changing more in recent years.

Another good place to look to see what the Church actually thinks of women is the veneration it gives to Mama Mary.

In the Catholic Church, we honour Mary because God honoured her first.  Whilst there is no doubt that women have perhaps not been treated as they should have been during history, this wonderful lady has always been held in extremely high regard.  Quite honestly, what higher honour can womankind be given than that one of their own was chosen to give birth to the redeemer of all mankind?  I love the quote above from Redemptoris Mater, because to me it shows the true regard that the Church holds women in.  What more do I need to say?

There are numerous examples of quotes from throughout the history of the church showing the high esteem women are held in. One of my favourites is from the Venerable Fulton J Sheen:

Whilst obviously a woman's value does not come from how inspiring she can be to men, we also need to remember that this is a part, and an important part, of the feminine beauty.  Throughout the Bible we see instance after instance of women inspiring men to better and greater things (Esther, Ruth, Mary to name just a few).  There are also, of course, plenty of examples of women doing the opposite: Delilah betrays Samson; Salome requests the head of John the Baptist; Eve encourages Adam to try the apple.

My message to all my female friends, no matter your age, race or religion is this.  I want you to remember that you have dignity and value because you are you. Not because of whatever successes you may have had, or because of your abilities.  Not because of the way you look or dress or act. Because you are you.

Don't try and be a man in a man's world. Be a woman, and try and make the world better by being you.  You are all that's needed.

You have been called "for a time such as this" (Esther 4:14)

And 2 months later...

So umm...

Oops?

I have clearly been fantastic at remembering to post here. So much for my posting at least twice a month plan from the beginning of the year...

Well then, what have I been up to over the past two months?

A few highlights are:

• Spent a week and a bit enjoying meeting more Catholic people at Celebrate (a huge Charismatic conference). including this years super lovely SPEC team
• Been working quite a lot - I've been loving getting to spend time working at the Tourist Information Centre. You get some very strange questions and queries, but it's been really interesting and I'm going to miss it. (Miss it? Why? What are you up to? Well, dear reader, keep reading and I'll explain in a few points time)
• Painted my room(!) - I finally, 7 years later, get my room back. Now I just need to actually finish emptying the upstairs room and throw out a lot of junk and old stuff that I do not need and should not be keeping.  Hoarder? Me? Surely not... *looks innocent* When I get my wardrobe, and whenever I finally get the room finished, I will post some photos to share.
• Been to the Youth 2000 retreat I mentioned in the last post I actually remembered to type... (Where I met people who know my brother, spent a whole weekend near him, and didn't actually manage to see him.  Mild fail)
• Got a new job.  Yes! That's right. A real grown up job.  Admittedly it's only contracted until February, but exactly what that means I do not yet know. I begin on Monday 11th, so am currently spending my time getting excited about working in London and trying to make sure I've worked out what a Smart Casual dress code really means. (Seriously, any ideas?  It's about as vague as you can get!)

I will type more at another point, but for now I'm going to love you and leave you since I should really be asleep right now and not sitting awake tapping away on my computer.

Oh, and since I haven't said it yet on account of having last posted back during Lent, and since it is still the Easter season for another couple of weeks...

Happy Easter.  I hope you are having/have been having/will continue to have a very blessed time.

xx

Confirmation Classes, Ten Ten Theatre and Love

This weekend sees the kick-off of the confirmation course for my home parish. I've been involved here since I came back home after my year at SPEC (well I couldn't let my skills learnt there go to waste now, could I?)

We've had to start off a little differently this year.  Normally we head off to the fabulous SPEC who up until last year were based not too far away from us.  Sadly they have moved (although their new home grounds are beautiful) and are currently unable to provide residential retreats. Instead we invited TenTen Theatre to come and run a retreat day for us.

The day was spent looking at love.  How we learn about love, how love affects us, what is and what isn't love.

Although it wasn't mentioned all day (at least as far I know, there were a couple of points during the day where us catechists were kicked out for discussions) I kept thinking about 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. You know which one... Yeah, y'know, that one.  The one that's all sappy and lovey-dovey and over used for weddings.  Yeah, the one that's all about love being patient and kind etc etc.  Yeah, that one. The one about how beautiful and easy love it.

Except it's not.  It's really not saying that love is easy. Pretty much the opposite in fact.

Fun fact for you.  As a child I was in the church choir.  We sang at loads of weddings.  I used to love it. Partly because we got paid (which is always fun), but also because I just love weddings.  I love looking at the dresses (and would occasionally draw my dream dress on a piece of tissue/scrap paper), deciding what music I wanted at my wedding, and deciding what readings I was going to have.  Or more to the point, deciding which were way overused and would just be tacky. Right at the top of that list was 1 Cor 13:4-7.

Then I went to a retreat at Ampleforth Abbey.  And you know that expression "Mind Blown"? Yeah, that pretty much sums up my attitude towards that passage.
The monk (and much to my shame I have forgotten which one it was) told us that whenever a couple come to him wanting this reading, he tells them to go away, read it again properly, and then come back to him.  It's not about love being sweet and pleasant and easy, it's hard and tough and difficult.

Love is always patient, Love is never jealous, it is never rude, it is always ready to make allowances.

Not just when you feel like it, not just when you're in the right mood. Not even just when the situation deserves it.  Always and Never.

Always and Never.

So now, I want this reading at my wedding (y'know, if it ever happens).  Pretty much anything else is up for discussion (well, as long as it's a Catholic Mass), but that has to be a reading.  Oh, and I want the priest to discuss that in the homily.

I once heard someone very wise say that when you can replace the word love with your name, you are truly love.  So although I fail (and I fail often), I aim to be able to say "Ann is always patient, Ann is never jealous..."

Always and Never.